Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is an exciting program. I’ll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China … If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India . If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .. and If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

And If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan . and If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1- spending it at yard sales, or

2- going to ball games, or

3- spending it on hookers, or

4- beer or

5- tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Conclusion:

You can help America by going to a ball game and drinking beer all day with a tattooed hooker you met at a yard sale.

(click to enlarge the photo above)

Didn’t I tell you!? Yeah, I did. The funny thing is that I already did this before man! Granted, not with M&Ms. That’s pretty messy I would think, but I it makes sense. I do this with Skittles, however the thought of mailing them the champion skittle never occurred to me. Pure genius by this guy, whoever this Michaelangelo fellow is. Maybe I should seek out some grant money.

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Hat Tip to John aka Human3rror

(Click on the photo to check it out at Busted Tee’s.com.)

Thanks for your time. Feel free to add your own if you think you’ve got one better than the options I’ve got.

Swung by Best Buy to check out the Line 6 M13 in their new music section. They had a drum set and I had a tambourine. (Filmed on a cell phone which is why the sound quality is poop.)

Here are some highlights from my list:

Line 6 POD Studio UX2
: Would be great for recording vocals and bass, in addition to guitars because of the software plugin that it includes called POD Farm. That and it’s USB based, so no worries regarding Firewire with the new laptop.

Some of my favorite features about it:

• 18 guitar amps, 24 guitar cabs, 5 bass amps and 5 bass cabs, 29 essential stompbox and studio effects and 6 mic preamps in Mac® AU/RTAS®/VST® and Windows® RTAS® /VST® formats
• Free FX Junkie model pack adds 35 more effect models, including synths, filters, delays and more, to POD Farm. Ableton® Live Lite Studio Edition 16-track recording software and award-winning Reason Adapted production software
• Two 1/4-inch guitar inputs,two balanced XLR inputs with mic preamps,phantom power and trim knobs, 1/4-inch stereo monitor input, two 1/4-inch line inputs, two balanced 1/4-inch line out, S/PDIF digital out, 1/4-inch stereo headphone, assignable VU meters
• 44.1/48 kHz 16-/24-bit recording (88.2/96 kHz with sample rate conversion) Compatible with USB 1.1 and 2.0

MarsEdit 2 – Powerful Blog Publishing For Your Mac: MarsEdit is a desktop blog editor, so you can write a blog without giving up the comforts of your Mac.

Some of my favorite features:

• Powerful Markup Macros:
  Tired of typing the same things again and again? Set up macros with MarsEdit to easily insert commonly used snippets.
• Offline Freedom:
  Write when you want to, without an internet connection. Fine-tune your masterpiece on the plane, and publish when you get home.

Line 6 M13 Stompbox Modeler

This thing is freakin’ amazing! I’m a Line 6 effect fan/jumkie. This pedal is the pedal to solve all pedals. Essentially it’s a combination of the 4 major line 6 effect modelers (the distortion, delay, modulation, and synth/filters) in one plus a tuner and their Verbzilla pedal, with a bonus loop. It gives you the ability to save ‘scenes’ or difference sound set ups that you can recall with the push of a button. This pedal is a must have for me, and if I got it, I would probably sell my MM4, DL4, and tuner.

Some of my favorite features:

• Over 75 stompbox effects, 4 simultaneous in any order and any combination
• Dedicated knobs to control each of the parameters of each effect
• Create up to 12 pedal board scenes for instant recall. (It’s like having 12 fully tricked-out pedal boards available at any time)
• Universal tap tempo to sync all your time-based effects
• 28-second looper with dedicated footswitch controls for Undo, Record/Overdub, Play/Stop, Half Speed and more

Apple Logic Express 8

For recording, this is what I’m feeling. I know Pro-Tools is the de-facto recording standard in the industry, but I’m not leaning that way. I’m leaning towards Logic Express for the time being looking to upgrade to the full version of express at some future day.

Here are some of the my favorite features:

• Makes it easier than ever to translate musical inspiration into professional productions
• Includes all the functionality of Logic Pro 8 except for four high-end professional features–surround, TDM/DAE support, distributed audio processing (DAP), and support for high-end control surfaces
• 36 instruments from Logic Studio, including Ultrabeat drum machine, EXS24 Sampler, and ES2 synth
• 70 effects from Logic Studio, including Guitar Amp Pro, Ringshifter, and full-featured Pitch Correction
• Hundreds of channel strip settings and thousands of royalty-free Apple Loops so you can make incredible-sounding music right out of the box
• Ultimate Writing Studio
  A professional collection of music creation and writing tools makes it easy to capture and develop your musical inspirations. Record multiple takes, quickly assemble the perfect comp, establish a groove with a selection of Apple Loops, and fill out the remaining parts in your composition with Studio Instruments.
• Precision Editing
  Audio editing features in Logic Express 8 let you work with power and precision, using sample-accurate tools in the Sample Editor or directly in the Arrange window.
• Professional Mixing
  Complete your project with powerful mixing and automation tools that meet the demands of any size production.
• Broad Compatibility
  The open architecture of Logic Express 8 offers enormous creative freedom to musicians by supporting a wide range of professional hardware and software options.

Flip Video MinoHD Camcorder
Since I heard about these things, I’ve been interested in them. It’s a simple to use video recorder, that records in HD and has a nice little flip out USB plug to import your video into the computer. Simple and easy enough, and to top it off, it fits in your pocket.

Here are some of my favorite features:

• Holds 60 minutes of HD-quality video (1280 x 720 resolution at 30 frames per second; 16:9 widescreen) on 4 GB of built-in memory
• Weighs only 3.3 ounces; Super-slim, super-sleek design, fits into your pocket or purse
• Features one-touch recording and digital zoom

Apple iPod touch 32 GB (2nd Generation)
I have the original ipod photo from when it came out back in 2004. It’s been through a lot and is definitely on it’s last leg. I have a rubber band on the inside holding the hard drive in place. Need I say more?

So, what’s that one thing you’d like to have, but probably won’t be getting any time soon?

In 1996, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

I hope you have a great day and rest of your week.

You can see my runner up photo by visiting it on flickr.

Did you mow your lawn this weekend? Do you wish you would’ve done it like the above video?

Yeah, I bought those for real.
We’re gonna look for a big hill somewhere and see how fast (far?) we can go.

The company touts the toilet tissue as “ultra-soft” and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a “sanctuary for quality time.”

This follow up is pretty good too.

Industry analyst Bill Schmitz is skeptical. He said extra layers make toilet paper stronger, not softer, although he said Georgia Pacific may have added extra fibers for softness.

Who knew there were industry analysts for toilet paper. There’s a joke waiting to be made somewhere in there.

or this

Courtesy of the Failblog.

Dr. Oliver Schaper;

Anonymous hopes that this video finds you well today. We could not help but notice your recent attempt to remove Anonymous materials by the thousands from YouTube by means of spurious DMCA claims filed through a front organization. Rest assured, these attacks will not go unanswered. The majority of the videos removed were filmed by the uploaders themselves. American Rights Counsel LLC has no legitimate claim to any of the materials that have been removed in its name. In fact, American Rights Counsel LLC does not exist. Now that we have exposed your deceptive practices, YouTube has begun to restore our materials to the public. Your problems, however, are just beginning.

Filing a false DMCA claim is illegal, Mr. Schaper. Doing so via a non-existent organization only exacerbates your crime. Anonymous has been working with law enforcement officials for months in our campaign against Scientology. It would be wise for you not to engage in any illegal activities against Anonymous. We are well aware that the crime you are committing is a proxy attempt by the Church of Scientology to silence the masses. This strategy shall not succeed.

Anonymous is aware of your holdings within Media House Enterprises, Inc., parent of Peephole TV. The hypocrisy of your receipt of funds from homosexual pornography while you subscribe to a belief system that says homosexuals should be “cured” or removed from the planet has not escaped us. This information and more is readily available to us through legal channels. You cannot hide from us. You cannot defeat us. On the sixth of September, 2008 at 8:08 PM PST, a new game begins.

Remember, Knowledge is Free.

We Are AnonyMouS.

We Are Legion.

We Do Not Forgive.

We Do Not Forget.

Expect Us.

Thanks.

Samuel Febres

That’s Engrish Funny, from the the folks that brought you the fail blog, I can haz cheeseburger, Pundit Kitchen and others.